Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
