Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
