so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
