what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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