508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize