The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
