Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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