I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
