i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
