she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
