i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
