It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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