I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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