I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
