....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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