I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
