my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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