i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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