I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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