Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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