and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
