I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize