i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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