I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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