it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
