Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my being single is dangerous.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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