Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
