I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
