There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
