So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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