i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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