god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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