Your face is a jimmy john
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize