so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize