First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
