she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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