Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
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