i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize