I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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