She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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