I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
