Who did Billy Mays play for?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize