I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
