A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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