Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
