You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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