i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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