yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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