I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
