it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
