Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
