dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I showed him my bush... on skype.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
