when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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